Writing my way to Hope on Father’s Day Weekend

Pouring my energy day in and day out for nearly two years in to navigating life and grief work for the boys has been all I have known.

 

Trudging along with a Heavy Heart.

 

In the last few weeks leading up to Father’s Day weekend; personal HOPE and new life has emerged.

 

I accepted an invitation from a dear friend to participate in a Writing Weekend on Lake Michigan.

 

Excited to indulge in writing, I finally felt it was ok for ME to look forward to something outside Grief Land.

 

Oops. I soon discover it is on FATHER’S DAY weekend. (Rough is a gentle word for one of these days.)

 

I almost changed it. Shouldn’t I watch for signs of grief all weekend?

 

Nope.  My kids did not get hysterical when I told them. Their INTENSE anxiety has not taken over their lives.

 

I know it. I see it. But they aren’t ruled by it.

 

Natalie and Breanne did their magic and cheered me on to go by tag teaming and sleeping over. Luke’s best buddy and his family provided a huge distraction with a visit to a Tigers/Twins game.

 

There are too many WONDERFUL SOULS to list them all that have a hand in helping me LISTEN to the call to write.

 

When this blog began it was about keeping people posted on our adjustment and the unending needs.

 

Then and now it remains about GRATITUDE. LOVE. LIGHT. AN OPEN HEART.

 

Choosing to seek LIGHT in a world of darkness is a constant habit; and I have tried to use this blog as a record of my effort and the TRUTH that LIGHT exists.

 

I am no longer surprised when the ‘signs’ God plops in my path emerge.

 

Today’s smile on my face was threefold. I didn’t want to tear away from the writing cottage and go to Mass but I felt God seeking me. I looked up the closest place casually.

 

A merged church….St.Patrick-St.Anthony….the phone number started 842…..

 

A GIANT hello from my IRISH father and Rames.

 

And then, as if that wasn’t enough.

 

Profoundly, the most beautiful scripture from the GOSPEL OF JOHN was read; “God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not be lost but may have eternal life.”

 

John’s words today; “LOVED the world so much” made me sit up.

 

I felt like a Holy Hand was clasping my hand in to His….

 

LOVE.

 

“SO MUCH”

 

The ONE who knows what we need, who loves us SO MUCH has sustained me.

 

Grief Land isn’t our home.

 

His grand love, which seems so far away at times is Our HOME.

 

When I sit in His love, my heart in no longer HEAVY. It opens.

 

When I accept an invitation to a retreat, my heart opens

When I trust my kids are ok away from me, my heart opens.

When I REMEMBER HE loves me SO MUCH, my heart opens.

 

When I opened the blue door to the blue writing cottage…

 

I stepped out of Grief Land.

Grief Land is not our home.

It never was.

Our home is in Him.

 

 John’s eloquent and beautiful reminder of eternal life is the Light, the Love, the WAY to OPEN HEART through “So Much Love.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessing Bags, Memory Days, and a Prayer

No matter how many years go by the 31st of the month will be “Memory Day” for me and my boys. As each month passes and more distance grows from the time Tony physically held their hands, walked them around the neighborhood or smiled on return home each Thursday from the road, we still feel connected to him and the bond of love has only grown. Some have queried, “Why remember such a sad day?” and, “Why are you holding on and making yourself sad?” Plainly, we are sad anyway. Memory Days will always exist. Avoiding it is just adding a new task. We will always remember birthdays, anniversaries, and special times we shared. It may not be the way others would need to express their love. For us, taking time out of trying to ‘fit back in to the normal world’ to be with our memories and share our love outwardly has grown already. From picnics, masses, and photographs-we have now taken a small step to a focus that meant so much to Tony; charity.

Every night Tony and I would pray on the phone or as a family if he were in town. One prayer Tony always said, “Let us pray for increases in faith, hope, love and charity.” We decided to engrave that prayer on his gravestone because it was such deep part of our family spirituality reaching back to our first days of falling in love.

On one of our first dates I noticed a homeless family in a truck at Wal-Mart. Stuffed to the brim, I saw the parents huddling up and a little child snuggled in their laps. I sadly stopped talking mid sentence upon noticing them.  Tony, immediately knew I was upset and when I told him how it hurt to see their pain and be so close I could see anxiety in their expressions; he took time to listen. Knowing of my service work background and desire to be aware and help others he looked at me lovingly, dug out his wallet and ran and gave the family some money. When he came back to the car he looked at me…. without words we sat together quietly reflecting. That day was the start of many of those gestures. Acknowledging someone else’s public pain  was more a reminder to us than a grand healing in their lives.  We weren’t changing their circumstances or solving unemployment. Yet,  we continued this practice whenever possible; we would stop, give out food if we had it or a few bucks. As this tiny private family ministry grew we evolved to gift cards to prevent anyone from an addiction to misuse our effort. Tony would go to great lengths to get the gift card to an individual. One of the many things I miss is seeing him hurriedly point someone out to me and we would begin to dig out our McDonald’s cards hoping the traffic light would hold off one more second so we could hand the card out the window. That was a lot easier than the time we pulled over in Berwyn, IL and he ran down the exit ramp to hand someone cupcakes (meant for my grandmother!) on Christmas Day.

Below is an excerpt from one of the emails Tony wrote me when he was in Pittsburgh reflecting on seeing homeless people sleeping outside the church where he attended daily mass. He wrote to me or talked to me often about seeing certain individuals repeatedly and he refers to that in this email:

August 25,2009

Hi Babes

 

Thank you for your beautiful card this morning.  The last 2 weeks have made this Pittsburgh gig manageable.  I went to mass this morning.  The homily was about sharing our faith.  The priest said in the end, “We need to share our faith with people today.  After all, it maybe the only gospel they hear”.  I also saw the same homeless person sleeping outside the administration door of the church.  I still could not tell if this less than 100 lb person was a male or female.  There was a white sheet over him/her.  I saw a brown paper bag that seemed a little big for a lunch.  The person seemed to be waking up when I walked by.  I placed the MCD gift certificate you bought me on top of an empty plastic bag that was next to him/her.  The card made a crunchy noise when it landed.  It was loud enough for the homeless person to hear, but not loud enough to be annoying.  I could sense this person hearing it, but he/she remained under the covers in a stupor state.  Then I went to church.  I would like to pray for that person.  I have no idea if that person is homeless or mentally ill.  I don’t even know if this person is male or female.  I will never know.  However, that person’s consciousness is to sleep next to Jesus and that is good enough for me.

 

I love you very much.Tony

Tony’s spirit lives on and part of remembering losing him on the 31st is also acknowledging what we don’t want to lose- our family’s efforts to live out that prayer of increasing faith, hope, love and charity in the world.

Pinterest provided me with the idea for Blessing Bags. We started collecting little items that might be helpful and we are working on a little note or prayer of hope to send along so Tony’s spirit of support  joins with our small efforts.

“May we have increases in Faith, Hope, Love and Charity”