Remembering

1. The happiest, sweetest, tenderest homes are not those where there has been no sorrow, but those which have been overshadowed with grief, and where Christ’s comfort was accepted. The very memory of the sorrow is a gentle benediction that broods ever over the household, like the silence that comes after prayer. There is a blessing sent from God in every burden of sorrow.- James Russell Miller

Halloween is Tony’s favorite ‘holiday’ and he worked to never miss one of these events for the boys. Tony got himself home one way or another for a chance to be silly; dressing up in full blown pirate gear or as Darth Vadar. He was motivated by his brothers in Minnesota creating marathons and candy weighing events for their kids and laughed endlessly at stories of his older siblings chiding their children ones who weren’t running hard. In his own version here, he turned going house to house for candy into a race on scooters with Luke and his best friend.

 Tony died 3 months ago today but my heart is remembering that he passionately, joyfully, happily found his inner child every year on October 31st in hilarious manner.  The blessing of my burden of sorrow today is that Tony is my inspiration to make memories even when I am hurting. My ways won’t be the same as his;  yet his energy is flowing through our home and his love of Halloween frames this bittersweet day without a doubt.

Tonight when we gather to go over the kids loot we will have his memory chair at the table and we will have the new memory boxes we created in anticipation of this emotional week. (I know I will throw a few of his favorite pieces of candy in….)  Seeing his smile will help my ache. Thinking of his laugh as I place a giant jello- brain on the table- helps me feel connected and aids my feeble effort to keep the humor going.

 

Children’s Grief Awareness Day: November 15, 2012

November 15 is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. In all honesty I was never aware that there was a Children’s Grief Day. I am now. Suffering through the loss of my husband and watching my children ache for their father has moved me into a world of suffering I had not experienced in prior grief experiences.

Suffering is not attractive and is definitely not appealing. Suffering is physically and mentally transformative and can have characteristics like a disease. Seeing your child suffer and be physically exhausted by the sudden trauma in their world is nearly debilitating.

No amount of explaining can illustrate what suffering is for any one person. I will never fully experience my child’s suffering even though I have experienced the death of my father also. My sons will never completely feel the impact of my pain at the absence of my beloved- a man who loved me unconditionally.

Suffering exists. One’s awareness of its presence is a step inside a world that needs  as much compassion and comfort as possible. For a child living in suffering- feeling understood is elusive.

The message a child suffering the impacts of grief needs most is that they are not alone. Sensitivity to a child enduring loss will have lasting healing effects.

At our last Journey’s session we were given the article below:

10 Things Grieving Children Want You to Know

#1 – Grieving children want to be told the truth.

•   Tell grieving children the truth with these considerations in mind:
•   The age of the child
•   The maturity level of the child
•   The circumstances surrounding the death
•   Answer questions as honestly as you can

  #2 – Grieving children want to be reassured that there will always be someone to take care of them.

•   Grieving children spend a lot of time worrying about another person in their life who might die.
•   To help alleviate this fear, it’s important to reassure them that there will always be someone in their life who will take care of them.
•   Enlist the aid of their parent or caregiver to determine a plan for the children. Let the children know what the plan is.

  #3 – Grieving children want you to know that their grief is long lasting.

•   Children will grieve the person who died for the rest of their life.
•   Grieving kids don’t “just get over it”.
•   They will often be bewildered when other people in their life have seemed to move on.
•   Their grief changes over time as they grow and change over time.

  #4 – Children often cope with grief and loss through play.

•   Children grieve through play.
•   Typically, they cannot sustain prolonged grief.
•   Children use play as a way to cope with their grief and to take a break from the grief.

  #5 – Grieving children want you to know that they will always miss the person who died.

•   People die, but love doesn’t die.
•   Grieving children will miss the person who died for as long as they live.

  #6 – Often, grieving children want to share their story and talk about the person who died.

•   Having an opportunity to tell his or her story is often beneficial to a child’s healing process.
•   Sharing memories about the person who died is also very important.
•   Grieving children don’t want to forget the person who died – they are also worried that

  others will forget their person.

http://www.nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.org

1|Page

10 Things Grieving Children Want You to Know (continued)

#7 – Every child grieves differently.

•   Every child has his or her own grief journey and own way of grieving.
•   Some children might be more expressive with their grief.
•   Some children might keep it all in.
•   Siblings grieve differently.
•   Just because children come from the same family doesn’t mean that their grief will be the same.
•   It is important to honor each child’s story, even if it is different than his or her sibling’s story.

  #8 – Grieving children often feel guilty.

•   Grieving children will often feel pangs of guilt.
•   Even if the guilt is not justified and has no basis in reality.

  #9 – Even though I might be acting out, what I’m really feeling is intense emotions of grief.

•   Grieving children frequently feel sad, angry, confused, or scared.
•   Since they might not know how to express all of these emotions, they often end up

  acting out instead.

  #10 – If you’re not sure what a grieving child wants, just ask him!

•   When in doubt, ask a grieving child how you can help.
•   Check in with the child – do they want to talk about the person who died? Maybe not.
•   Expect myriad answers.
•   Do they want to write about their grief or do some other activity to express their grief?
•   What do they need?

  You can help grieving children by:

•   Listening
•   Really hearing them when you’re listening
•   Following their lead
•   Validating their feelings
•   Answering their questions
•   Seeking out additional resources, as needed

  Written by: Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT Program Director
  The Mourning Star Center for Grieving Children and Teens

  Camp Director, Camp Erin (760) 836-0360 http://www.mourningstar.org

http://www.nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.org

A Different Light

Mornings have never been easy for me. Sleeping in, as elusive as it was after children was my forte.  Sunsets were where I always found myself taken in. Since my love has moved to heaven and our sunset boat rides on date nights no longer exist I have become awake earlier than I ever dreamed. The gift- of course is the art in the sky. Living in Michigan for my entire marriage I never experienced as many flourishes in the clouds, array of colors and varieties of fluff. Am I only aware more now because my heart floats up that way out of myself leaning and yearning for heaven for even a moment? Was the area above me always so unreal? Beaming and expansive- my eyes can’t see it all. Make my eyes see more…..more….more….Make me see everything. Don’t let me miss a thing.

 

They will remain forever a part of your heart and soul. No matter where you are and what you do ~ there they are. Connected always by the invisible threads of love in your heart and by their invisible presence in your soul ♥-Maureen Hunter

Never Alone

I am with you,

I will carry you through it all

I won’t leave you, I will catch you

When you feel like letting go

“Cause your not, you’re not alone…”- Red

Coming around toward the three month mark of loss, anticipating our wedding anniversary that will be honored this side of Heaven I wish I could be held in his arms more than ever before. Instead of those strong, tight unending embraces I long for; Love comes to us endlessly taking forms unexpected.

Gratitude is too generic. Thankfulness is close to trite. Describing the aura of light around our family is nearly out of my grasp. Holding it all in my heart- trying to absorb the Love pouring our way- just the right day, just the right moment. Just as I think I am lost…..Love shows up.

Absence exists loudly

Yet Love knocks softly on my door

Love slips hope in our mailbox.

Love gently encourages

Love writes a precious message to open

Love captures moments on film for future reflection.

Hollow human form- my shell I carry about…

Still-my heart lives

Beating with Love infused

Emerging from beautifully moved Souls.

Each Love gift given

Each Love Word uttered

Each Love Moment in my Presence

Love Is Now

Beloved, you have never left me. Standing frozen in a store- you reach me with lyrics. Reassurance from just beyond the curtain between us.

Connected in Love: Hearts of Children

“No, Death does not separate us-

It Deepens our Union with God and One another”

-Memorial Card

 

Light for my heart

You shed light upon me… you know I have wept and you know I am thankful beyond measure.

Bereavement

“Someone you have given love to and received love from has died. You are in mourning. You are bereft. To be “bereaved” literally means to be torn apart.”

-GriefShare article

A Peek at a Newly Grieving Heart: A grief letter to loved ones after the sudden death of my husband

My Dearest Loved Ones,

For the last four weeks I have been participating in a GriefShare class. The time in class and the workbook exercises have been a mixed blessing. In some ways I think the information is overwhelming and in some ways I find great guidance in things I am learning. I find I need the guidance right now even though some of the topics are tearing at my heart.

One suggestion from class is to aid people who want to support you by writing a group “Grief Letter” that can be shared with those reaching out to you in the variety of ways that come up. I plan to thank, ask, and share our story throughout this letter so you can better know where I and my children are at “so far” in this journey.

Thanking is something that is a big priority to me. Oddly, even though it is a priority; thank you notes that are taking me some time to write and send amidst deadlines and my sweet miracle boys energy. Please let those who have sent me things that I will personally thank everyone as soon as I can. To you, my dear friend or relative who is reading this right now; please know how much your love and support fills me with gratitude and helps me each day of this challenging process. Also, please feel my love and  a “pre-thank” you for everything that you want to help us out with as we grieve.

I am aware  that beyond the loss of my beloved Tony there are layers of losses in grief. One loss you may be feeling is the friend or relative I “used to be”  to you and the things I used to do. I know that when I get to the other side of this time in my life I will be stronger. However, I ask for gentle words,  patience, and compassion as I navigate requests, invitations, or even just a phone call both for myself and the kids. The choices I am making are all toward a healthy outcome for me and the boys and while we may be absent from our usual events or social times, please don’t take it personally. I just need to make sure we get more sleep, more down time, more family time and a slower pace so we can all heal.  Ordinary events aren’t ordinary to us right now. I am seeing good fruit from our ‘reserved’ way of doing things and I feel confident as we gain strength we will enjoy more time with others. Also, if we do decide to do a playdate or an outing we generally do better as a whole if we have planned it in advance.

“Asking” is the quality I suffer the worst ability at right now and even when I am not in the thick of grief it is a hardship. Rather than pride,  it is emotionally awkward and comes with the complexity of thinking out ahead which isn’t easy in grief as I am taught in classes. I know from the way Tony and I tried to live to help others that we all have limits despite how huge our hearts are and desire may be to assist. So, please don’t feel obligated to respond to all (or any) of the following ideas. These are just top priorities. There are many things I am learning to ask for help and aid regarding the consequences of our loss. One is reliable childcare so I can attend Mass, support meetings, attend school events for the older boys and make appointments. My friend is putting together a website for that. We are blessed with amazing babysitters but they have commitments too. I am  also discerning whether to seek out a volunteer to help me with bedtime and homework with Luke. These decisions are deeply personal and my energy is different one week to the next. Asking for anything for myself is going to take some quiet prayer.  To bring you some view of my efforts to build up my energy I will share that  frequent acupressure I have been scheduling is helping me immensely. This practice aids to battling grief and depression. I definitely feel the greatest immediate healing from the acupressure as well as going to Mass, journaling, drawing, and friends who call, text, send emails, ‘real mail’ and visit. Help around the house- tidying or doing a quick load of laundry are welcome help…however, larger organizing or clean-out wears me out quickly. I need small bursts rather than a ‘huge’ list tackled if that is your forte. Otherwise, I may need to step out as a project is completed.

Special occasions are especially exhausting to me at this point. Celebrating Ryan and Luke’s birthday without my love brought out in me feelings and physical fatigue I was unprepared to handle even though documented research supports every thing I feel as completely normal. As I anticipate more birthdays, holidays,  and other larger events I am concerned that my physical response will need to be addressed with ways to recharge me after the event has passed. Another research tidbit is that in sudden death, the heart takes 2 years to catch up to the “head” whereas it may be more like 6-9 months if you know someone may pass.

You may have more questions as you are reading about our life ‘so far.’ You may question whether to call me and wrestle with what to say or not say. You are not alone in feeling all these things. Being a friend or relative of a grieving person may feel delicate or even stressful.  It is even documented that the changes from death can make many relationships dissolve in the mystery of such dramatic changes. While I have symptoms of grief such as indecision, fuzzy thinking and frequent tears- know that it is all right to just pray for me in place of the call you don’t know how to make. At the same time, if you are moved to reach out to me and worry about how awkward it is; it means more to me than you know that you would briefly visit me in this land I am living in for just a bit with that call or text.  For me, I exist in a place that similar to an unraveled sweater you can’t find the end to. You just keep organizing and looking at different angles to sort through the pile but it is an undertaking of great patience on my part as well. In the end, there is no wrong decision and there are no points or prizes for calling or not calling. I just wanted you to know I understand.

Visitors are most welcome…however, I am realizing that too many at one time makes me tired and I can better focus on one or two rather than a larger number.

Things change daily and so I hesitate to give a big update on the boys.  Currently, their grief is displaying in becoming easily exhausted. When they hit that wall they get very emotional and weary and irritable. I have tried to grant them adequate play but no where near what they used to have because their bodies are trying to acclimate to their new family framework. If asked to play or go to an outing they don’t realize how taxing that is so if you would like to spend time with them on something bigger than a short play date please whisper to me so they don’t get excited as I don’t want them disappointed if I deem the idea as too draining given whatever else may be playing in to the moment.

I am confident six months from now a letter like this would describe much more energized Roemers. For now, this is life as we are living and by the grace of God and all your love we are still able to experience the blessings of life God has all around us.

Please pray for my strength and endurance… Ordinary “life” issues like a broken air conditioner a few weeks ago and my recent fender bender are taking energy from me as well.

My “New Normal” life is blessed with so much love and support I cannot express enough appreciation. The days of pain and sadness are greatly softened by all your affection and the unique ways you all check on me.

Love, Hugs, and abundant prayers for your own intentions, Colleen and the Boys

Resources and Articles
http://www.centerforloss.com/who-are-you/someone-i-love-has-died/
Someone you have given love to and received love from has died. You are in mourning. You are bereft. To be “bereaved” literally means to be torn apart.

http://www.centerforloss.com/articles/

Hope for Many Hearts

I believe one of my new callings  is to share the stories of the lives of souls. I plan to publish the faith  journey  Tony lovingly shared with me as it is revealed in years of emails of prayers to me. Additionally, I will interview people who are living extraordinary experiences through cancer treatment, survival and the miracles of everyday life.