Whenever I think about Tony’s birthday, I think of his big 40th in Minnesota. It was his dream to be with all his loved ones. His immediate family and so many cousins and friends attended. He teased me that I gave him a party every 5 years and they kept getting bigger. For his 30th I arranged for his parents and two sisters to shock him by meeting us in Chicago and going out for his favorite deep dish pizza with many of my relatives.
Minnesota was his peace. His happy place. He loved nothing more than being up north with his brothers, sisters, parents, nieces and nephews any chance possible.
It was tricky to get there very often but every visit was better than the one before.
One trip, Tony carried Ryan’s stroller all across bridges, up craggy rock steps and down steep hills so we could view the beautiful Gooseberry Falls State Park on a special trip to northern Minnesota.
My journey across the bridges of life continues but not without his light shining all around ever step I take.
It is a joy to celebrate the life Tony lived. Remembering how he valued nature, the peace of scenic landscapes keeps me connected to him in the limitless beautiful creation all around. He sends me undeniable reminders that HE is looking out for us even guiding us.
Today he would be 45. It would about that time I would plan another bash of some kind. Instead of feeling sad I can’t do that, I am enjoying the joy he is having in Heaven because he sends me blessings galore. I know he had a hand in my relationship with John and the boys solace in the love of someone with fatherly affection they can see and touch.
I love that Journey’s Memory Night coincided with Tony’s birthday. My need for a celebration was given to me on a platter! I love remembering him. Yet, I appreciate someone else providing a place for me to go and share his memory. Luke, Ryan and Zachary all brought pictures and memories again. Luke brought a hat Tony gave him from a trip to Colorado and his Delta Air line Travel Miles card.
Seeing Zach and Ryan go up and share things their Dad loved in front of a big crowd satisfied my need to celebrate Tony. Ryan ran up and said, “I remember my Dad named Tony. He loved his family and cars!” Zach stood up and said, “My Daddy Tony loved Mustangs!” They were full of joy. When his picture appeared on the slideshow they giggled and said, “That’s our Dad!”
Music has been one of the most achingly helpful parts of my healing and on these memory days I am more moved by how things come across my path. Tuesday night at Journeys this song was sung. Once again, I was sure I was not going to shed a tear. Three lines in to this song I was overcome. I enjoyed my tears. I didn’t try to stop them. Releasing love via music, lyrics, and beautiful sunsets will keep me real.
“…gone away with the wind
on a sunny morning in July
when it suddenly came
it was calling your name
and you left without telling us why….”
The why is always hard but Love heals us day by day. And until we meet again….
You are so missed. You are so loved. Keep shining your light on us!
Love, Light and Miracles 