My experience is just one little person in a big huge world. I am not an expert on grief- but I have had the assignment for better or worse to deal with my loss day in day out for almost 16 months.
On July 30, 2012 I would not have dared to write about grief even though I had lived and breathed previous losses of great magnitude.
Today, I feel thankful for those who have crossed my path with the willingness to share their story.
Friends have requested my permission to share this blog with others needing support.
I begin praying immediately when a relative or friend tells me the news of another family facing loss.
Humbly, I feel called to share a few bits of awareness as I have struggled for comfort when it comes to approaching days….
Reading books, articles, following grief experts and authors for the past year I absorbed SO much.
What has been the MOST helpful to me is HOPE.
Little pieces of HOPE along the way. Sometimes, when I can’t DO anything….
I can SEE it’s PRESENCE.
HOPE in the unexpected gesture.
HOPE in someone who calls me at just the right time.
HOPE in looking backwards at days I dreaded—- pain I felt….yet HOPE EMERGED.
HOPE in the ONGOING relationship
LOVE which remains……..LOVE WITH US ALWAYS.
HOPE that I can adjust to living in this world and the new people I meet with a spirit of openness.
I have learned to take the ‘wisdom’ in books…..the ‘suggestions’ of caring people and make a little
Colleen-Collection-Jar
in my HEART
bits, pieces, and sparks of HOPE….
Below are some things you may read or hear. My suggestion is if they help- put them in your own hope jar in your heart and brush the rest off like crumbs that are in your way.
“It’s the anticipation that’s hardest.”
Depending on the context -there are time when this concept is dismissive; in the beginning it is ALL anticipation.
It is ALL hard and grievers struggle to keep astride on day to day tasks. Something that was once perhaps fun like looking at ornaments may now be the equivalent of trying to clean up after ants that have invaded and started crawling inside your clothing. “Are we done with this YET?”
Last year I didn’t know that I was going to be sad about certain holiday moments. Seeing the Advent wreath at Mass was actually harder for me than Christmas Day.
“If you have a plan when the day comes you will feel better”
This was true at times. When everything worked out….
I have small children. If a child was sick that could throw off the plan for me to ‘escape’ and get out of the house. If the sitter got sick or had commitments I struggled to rearrange my mind.
Most of the time I had a plan. The plan kept me busy planning. Many times the plan would fall apart…. Planning sometimes was a secondary drain on my limited energy. This may be really good, sound advice for someone who is not dealing with the foggy part of grief or who has a personality that really does well with organization despite grief. I was complimented all my life about my organizational skills. I am not completely disastrous at this but the glossy skill I had to keep everything in line is very much a memory.
“Do something different……”
There is a LOT of room here for stress.
Think of your NEEDS.
I am a BIG fan of things falling in your lap. If something different falls in your lap that fits with your needs it will work much better. My dear widow friend happened to be telling me about places she wanted to continue to go and places she did not. A place she still loved was going to make gingerbread houses downtown. I loved the idea because my NEED was to NOT COOK or CREATE some craft from pinterest on my own. Poof. The whole thing was provided and I could WATCH my kids smile and be happy. It was costly but very very fun which was a HUGE NEED for us.
“Remember”
Remembering your loved one is probably my Number ONE gesture of HOPE. How this looks will be different for each person. For our family, tangible memory items are the most effective. Luke wears Tony’s hats. Zach randomly yells out “Go Vikings!” Ryan carries a box of religious items around. I wear my wedding ring and Tony’s on the same finger. My small ring acts like a stopper on his bigger ring. At my nieces wedding the person presiding at the wedding remarked that wedding rings are an outer symbol of an inner connection. That INNER CONNECTION exists in ALL relationships we cherish. What helps at one time may be replaced by another memory tool later. Honor that inner connection…..your Way.
“Hope”
Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the events of this season have already been making my heart weary and my body ache. My mind wants to participate but my body is telling me to GO SLOW. I am the worst at BEING GENTLE to myself. I KNOW when I am quiet and still the HOPE appears. Often, my friends and family are the closest sign of Hope. Luke finds hope in being outside with his friends. Ryan finds hope in the newest toys he can ask Santa to bring. Zachary finds hope in his soft blankets and snuggles. Where I find the most tangible hope and where I KNOW if I lost my wedding ring or all the photos I cherish I would still be ok is in Adoration. Spirituality, however it fits in to ones world WILL be a SOURCE of HOPE. When you hear awkward things, or someone makes a poor joke—or when you are worried about money, food, life, or your kids…..Your values and compass for living will bring you back to HOPE.
Love, Light and Miracles 