For the last few weeks I have been working with an amazing woman on staff at Journey’s. Specializing in the aspect of trauma in her work, she had the opportunity to present about this at a local community conference today at the Fetzer Center at Western Michigan University. Honored, she invited me and Luke to be a be presenters. With the over abundant amount of snow days I was not able to take Luke out of school to participate. However, the magic of technology allowed him to share from his perspective.
Watching the conference room fill up with attendees I looked at their faces and felt blessed that so many people in our community not only have dedicated their lives to a profession helping others; but also took the time to attend something that isn’t an easy topic. The concept of death in our society is uncomfortable and when you put the faces of children along with that- it gets pretty complicated.
Our presentation focused on our family and how the systems in our community were a part of our story. Starting from the shocking experience of discovering Tony had drowned, working with the police and rescue squad, following our story as it continued through adapting at school, diabetes and the stress of navigating different childhood grief stages as well as my adult role of complex life issues. Sharing when others “remember with us” as we go through the unusual added elements of grieving associated with trauma aid in the ongoing efforts.
Luke recorded a message about his wish to help grieving kids at schools by creating a “Grieving Room” kids can go and ‘rest’ or ‘make videos about their loved one’ and every Wednesday all the teachers and students would meet with Journeys teachers to help everyone understand grief. I hope one day I might be able to post that on here. There were many wet eyes listening to Luke’s eloquent and unrehearsed recording of a room mimicking heaven, with pillows and a tv to watch videos of your loved one.
Our presentation was an opportunity for Luke and I to continue to remember Tony and grieve together. One night after the little brothers were quietly sleeping, Luke and I stayed up and made about 6 videos about his love for his Dad, the memory items we need to comfort us and his hope to one day be grief support leader like the ones who help at Journeys. As he climbed in to bed he said, “Whew. I need to transition. That was a lot to share.” He turned on relaxation music and we continued to talk about what it was like to dream about a grief room and more ways to help kids.
One of the most challenging things about any person grieving – but especially with trauma involved is that there aren’t many places a person feels comfortable. Journey’s here in Michigan is a phenomenal, key element to our lives. We have only missed one session in the 19 months we have navigated our effort to adapt to life with Tony’s physical absence.
Next week, we are blessed to be able to share the opportunity to bring someone with us to Journeys. There will be a presentation about the impacts of traumatic grief. One of the crucial aspects of Journeys is that it is confidential so it is rare this invitation is presented to us with the exception of a public event in November for Children’s Grief Awareness Day.
I spent about an hour in the car after the presentation overcome with many thoughts and emotions. Barely able to start the engine, I was shocked I didn’t cry at the slides of our family and especially the classic “Tony on the boat arms stretched out warmed by the sun”. Able to get by biting my cheek once or twice, I was shocked I could make it through telling our story without crumbling. In no way are we ‘on the other side’ of grief. In fact, we are quite certainly in the midst. Our children will be grieving again and again as they acquire new developmental awareness and stages. My effort to educate myself, research and provide consistent space for them at Journeys has been my driving force….I had to set aside a lot of time I used to spend on other things to keep this family not only surviving but growing.
Today was a little glimpse of how far we have come. It has been a fight. It has been beyond hard. Everyday is still one moment at a time. A key element of seeing how all that effort has worked was that it took me until last night to remember to include the police and rescue as I listed off the headlines of our story. I never thought that would happen.
We don’t focus on the worst.
We focus on the blessings and the love that has surrounded us.
Much more in my mind is the love that has been unending among us and from people who don’t know us as well as those who count us among their dearest of heart.
The blessing of being Tony’s wife and mother of his children is something I “GET” to cherish- not a consolation prize of becoming a widow. Choosing to see what we are given in each moment as part of our story– whether glorious or heart-wrenching is our only hope. The price of love on the other side of life is grief. It isn’t as pretty as wedding day photos or a tiny new life arriving- but it is never the less a priceless honor.
Thank You again- and again and again to our loved ones who support us day in and day out…..near and far…. We Still Need You.
Thank you Tony Roemer- for Love Everlasting.
Love, Light and Miracles 